


hallowed be his name

by moonymindpalace



Series: god save (nct town boys au) [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Small Town, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Class Differences, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Poverty, Religion, Teen Angst, The churchboy au of my dreams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 04:13:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14825052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonymindpalace/pseuds/moonymindpalace
Summary: They only knew each other by a twist of fate, but Donghyuck’s whole life was twisted, he was just one of the many kids from beyond the tracks with their ratty clothes and their foul mouths and their accents. Mark was his best friend, but he wasn’t Mark’s, he was just a smiley boy that came over from time to time to fetch Mark’s old clothes because Mark had a growth spurt and none of his shirts fit him no more, just look at his wide shoulders.And as Donghyuck looked and looked, he went on circles, adoration and bitterness then adoration again and the bitterness always came back, it never ended, the circle never broke, not even the first time Mark kissed him, not even when Donghyuck was alone with his thoughts.





	hallowed be his name

**Author's Note:**

> Infinite thank-yous to Marina for beta-ing this mess, also, happy birthday again!
> 
> I don't think Mark's ever specified in real life what his denomination is, but I made him a catholic because that's the religion I was raised in, therefore know better, besides, the not particularly intolerant but very "be good and be quiet" upbringing that comes with catholic schools fit this plot perfectly. And skipping mass to make out behind the church is a very real thing where I live, I refused to waste the concept.

They only knew each other by a twist of fate, but Donghyuck’s whole life was twisted. Ma wasn’t good up in the head and took him with her when the huge gorgeous church downtown offered donations, and Pa was sorta bad because he worked on the train since he was a kid and had lost an arm to the machinery. They were never home, and Donghyuck never called their house _home_ , not since he was a kid.

He was just one of the many kids from beyond the tracks with their ratty clothes and their foul mouths and their accents. The streets he knew were dirty and narrow, the school was old and ugly, and his only refuge was Johnny and Ten’s, but they weren’t much, either, because they were _the homos_ and people thought it’d be no good for Donghyuck to be around them.

He was a charity case and he knew it, homeless with a house, orphan with living parents, lost but always attracting attention. That’s why they knew each other, because Mark’s mum thought Donghyuck was an interesting kid and her good, charitable heart wanted to reach out to him. Mark was his best friend, but he wasn’t Mark’s, he was that smiley boy that came over from time to time to fetch Mark’s old clothes because Mark had a growth spurt and none of his shirts fit him no more, just look at his wide shoulders. And Donghyuck looked and looked, didn’t say anything because he was afraid of fucking up the only nice thing he had apart from Johnny and Ten.

Sometimes Donghyuck fucked up real good anyway, like when he made out with hot-boy Jeno, also known as Mark’s best friend, at Renjun’s birthday, and Jeno, like the dumbass he was, told Mark, for whatever reason beyond Donghyuck’s mind. Mark fucking ignored Donghyuck for days, and Donghyuck got sick and showed up on their doorstep looking about to die, so Mark had to talk to him. It had been a low blow, Ten had said so, but it worked, and Donghyuck had no expectations of ever being good or even nice. He was his sharp tongue and his bitter heart, and nothing good would ever come from him.

Ten was always his favourite, he could recite Ten’s lines from memory without even thinking.

 _Quit smoking, Johnny, you ain’t a Chicago gangster. Sure, buy a motorbike, have fun starving to feed it gas. You’re mistaking my honesty with vitriol. I made an honest man out of Johnny, before, he was just an honest boy_.

Johnny and Ten were the best because they didn’t care about what anyone thought of them, they only had themselves, but it didn’t seem like it, they didn’t look lonely or miserable, even after Johnny’s grandma died and they had to rent a tiny flat over the motor shop Johnny worked at. They lived and had fun and were the _bestest_ thing in Donghyuck’s life, after Mark, of course, but Mark made him hate himself most of the time, while Johnny and Ten just made him happy.

He slept over at Mark’s once, the blankets and the room smelled of him, and Donghyuck had never felt so alone before. It was like he was the only real person in the world at that moment, all the others simply made-up, visible but made out of air, like ghosts, and Mark’s breathing was less than a foot away from him, his body was just on the other side of the duvet, but Donghyuck refused to touch him and see him crumble like the sand castle he made once at the beach when Ma was sick and they went there to stay with her family.

He couldn’t remember when Mark started picking up in it, started hugging Donghyuck for too long and inviting him over more, dragging him along to the library and the church. Donghyuck didn’t mind churches and didn’t favour them either. All the chants and solemnities were sorta nonsensical, and because he loved to raise riots he flat out told this to Mark. He expected an argument or at least a cold shoulder, but Mark still dragged him along and made him kneel at all the right times and say the Lord’s Prayer on the right order and remember the whole Hail Mary. It was exhausting, and he complained again after the service. Mark just smiled, and Donghyuck knew he was a bloody sadist.

I’m in love with a sadist, he’d told Ten, and Ten gasped in shock. Where did you find BDSM people in this hellish town? He asked, and Donghyuck slapped his arm.

Not that, jeez. The person I’m in love with lives to see me suffer.

Never pegged Jeno for that type.

What the fuck? I ain’t in love with Lee fucking Jeno.

Johnny owes me fifteen, I _told_ _him_ it was Mark.

It went on circles, the way he felt, adoration and bitterness then adoration again and the bitterness always came back, it never ended, the circle never broke, not even the first time Mark kissed him, not even when Donghyuck was alone with his thoughts. He saw Mark on Parent’s Day on the other side of the road walking to his private school's gates, wearing his nice blue suit, his mother holding onto his arm, his father a bit behind them and Mark turned back to tell him something with a smile brighter than the streetlamps, gleaming on the half-light of early evening, casting even deeper shadows on Donghyuck, who had to tighten his hold on Johnny’s and Ten’s hands and swallow the bitter bile that rose on his throat, and Ten noticed but said nothing, just came closer and sandwiched Donghyuck between him and Johnny.

He wondered if love was supposed to feel that way.

He laughed it off, all the time, even when it was too hard. He cracked with Renjun with their legs dangling from the roofs, with Johnny behind the motor shop, teased Mark to no end, always Mark, because Mark took himself too seriously and Donghyuck couldn’t let be him like that, could he? Even when it was too hard, when looking at Mark hurt, he prodded him with his thin and crooked fingers and laughed.

Hey boy, are you Jesus?

What? No. Why?

Because I need you.

Shut up Hyuck, that’s heresy.

And he knew that as much as he kicked and complained when Mark threatened to give him a Bible for his birthday, that a part of him wished he was like them, like the other kids at the church with their nice shirts and slicked hairs and parents. It’d been over a month since he’d last been to his parent's house, and they didn’t mind him, did they? Maybe, they were real and he was made-up, not the contrary, because no one ever missed him when he was gone.

I _do_ miss you, Mark said, but only once.

*

Their first kiss was on a rainy day, not one of those romantic drama worthy rainy days with cute umbrellas and wet hair and chaste but passionate kisses. Mark dragged him by the arm, not the hand, to an alley between two buildings, and Donghyuck didn’t even know what was Mark doing in that part of town, the alleyway was one long puddle and soaked their shoes and socks so Donghyuck caught a cold a few days later because those were his _only_ shoes. Mark pulled him close but not too close and stuttered a lot. Donghyuck was terrified to death.

Renjun said you said...

What?

Don't you know what you said?

What did _Renjun_ say?

That you said, I mean, you told, uh, Ten, that you, you know...

No, Mark, I don’t know.

Do you like me?

'Course I do, you’re my best friend.

He didn’t know what else to say, and Mark didn’t seem to know either, they just stood there in the rain until a car passed by splashing water on the street, until Mark came forward and grabbed him by his shoulders and pressed their mouths together, nothing big, nothing deep, their lips too icy to make it nice.

Fucking ridiculous because Donghyuck made out with hot-boy Jeno on Renjun’s birthday and it had been nothing like that, it had been hot and made him all fiery, but he wasn’t in love with Jeno. He was in love with Mark.

And Donghyuck caught a cold and stayed at Johnny and Ten’s for a week and no one seemed to know what was happening to him, least of all himself. The medicine was bitter and the soup was watery, but Mark was brighter than the naked bulb hanging from the ceiling and Donghyuck adored him so, so much, until he didn’t know if the fire inside himself was fever or love.

Church smelled of melted wax and wood varnish, and Donghyuck started minding church because it was the only place Mark was bright-hot, not bright-cold, the flickering light of the candles made him softer around the edges and made Donghyuck less afraid, like in ordinary light Mark’s sharp bones could slice him, but in heaven’s light God might come to his rescue. It hurt less.

It’s not supposed to hurt, Hyuckie.

Maybe not for you people. I only know love that hurts.

Mark looked bright-hot but sad-cold when Donghyuck said that, something about his eyes not quite right, but they were at church, so it didn’t hurt.

I’m not going to hurt you.

Donghyuck believed him, but it wasn’t Mark hurting him. He was hurting himself.

*

Renjun and Jaemin were a recipe for disaster if put together. Donghyuck’s birthday party was at Jaemin’s house but he just couldn’t _not_ invite Renjun. And who would’ve known hot-boy Jeno was so useful at making Jaemin busy enough to forget Renjun and his new-older-boyfriend who was friends with Jeno’s brother Taeyong’s secret boyfriend Jaehyun. And who would’ve known Mark would nearly choke on his own jealousy of Donghyuck’s friends, then drag him to the kitchen and kiss the hell out of him.

You two dating?

Hell if I know, Renjunnie. How’s the boy of the day?

Hell if I know, Hyuckie. Maybe he’ll be boy of the week.

He remembered when Renjun still dated girls, all pretty with their best dresses and shining smiles and dreams of saving Renjun’s fucked up life, he always attracted the good girls, and when things changed he’d never stop laughing because he always attracted the bad boys, except for Jaemin, of course.

Johnny and Ten came later and nearly shocked Mark to an early grave, because one thing is kissing a friend and knowing this friend kissed another friend, and another is seeing a full-fledged gay couple walk in and also Ten was wearing makeup and high heels because it was a _special_ occasion.

Donghyuck loved all of them because even with all the drama and weird things going on in their lives they still came to see him, and he even got a few presents, Renjun’s boy expending an obscene amount of money on theirs because he _could_ , he was the mayor’s son or something like that.

That boy’s in my grade, I could swear he was straight, I mean, he’s the official school heartbreaker, Mark’d said, mouth stupidly hanging open.

Well, Mark, I can assure you he’s _not_ gonna break Injunnie's ice heart.

Mark looked at him over the rim of a soju bottle and Donghyuck felt shivery all over, maybe because their first kiss was under the rain, he’d always feel wet and exposed to Mark.

They went to sleep in the same bed and it shouldn’t, but it was the bestest of his presents, Mark’s hand reaching out shyly and fingers on his hair and playing with his ear.

D'you think I’d look nice with an earring? He asked just to make conversation and not drown in his own head.

You’d look pretty cool, I think. I wanted to pierce the top of my left ear but mum didn’t allow, she thinks it’s not proper.

What we’re doing right now ain’t very proper either.

Mark just shrugged and kept playing with his hair. Donghyuck fell asleep, 18 years old, and it still hurt but Mark’s cold fingers were like ice on a bruise.

*

They slept on the same bed again and this time Donghyuck didn’t turn around and they stared at each other in the dark for what felt like hours, until Mark scooted closer and pulled him in and tangled  their legs and because they never understood the concept of _danger_ , one thing led to another and soon they were panting on each other’s mouth muffling their sounds on pillows and each other’s skin because Mark’s parents were _just at the end of the hall_ , with pyjamas utterly ruined, slightly horrified at their own courage and no idea of what to do or say next.

Fuck, what are we gonna do about your clothes, Hyuck?

You do your own laundry, right? Just say I spilled some juice on it.

And Donghyuck knew Renjun had gone all the way already, but that felt nice enough and for once, he wasn’t hungry for more, he just laughed and called Mark a fucking good boy and Mark kissed him goodnight with a mischievous smile, too.

*

Sometimes Mark fucked up real good and got pissed over little things and kissed Renjun right in front of Donghyuck so Donghyuck slept with Jeno but that made Jaemin upset and Renjun apologized to Donghyuck and Donghyuck apologized to Jaemin and Jeno (probably) apologized to Mark because when was Jeno ever sorry for anything?

Ten wiped his tears and took him out for chicken, patted his head until he stopped sniffling over greasy drumsticks.

It’s not gonna be like this forever. You angry at Renjun?

No, not his fault Mark is a stupid arse.

Good. You angry at Mark?

When am I not angry at that fucking hypocrite? You shoulda seen his angel face yesterday going to church with his mum.

Mark’s mum called him over to fetch some sweaters (useless because it was already summer) and jeans and made him stay for lunch. Mark’s face was as blank as the wall while they said Grace and the mood while they ate was gloomy, to say the least. Donghyuck wondered if Mark’s parents knew. Probably not, or they’d be doing something. They were Mark’s parents, they were _nice_.

Has Yeri texted you, dear? Mark’s mum asked, and he snapped to attention because Yeri was one of the nice chorus girls that never dated and wore band shirts on weekends.

Mark looked at Donghyuck for the first time in two weeks, eyes big like they got when he was caught doing something wrong.

No, mum.

Oh, pity, her sister said she was really looking forward to your classes. Mark is going to teach her how to play the guitar, Hyuck.

Donghyuck swallowed his food and smiled. He finally got what was crawling under Mark’s skin.

She’s really nice, I bet Mark’s gonna love her.

The scariest part was that he _meant_ that, she was a nice girl, and if Mark looked about to throw up who even cared? Donghyuck had always been a charity case and _he knew it_ , if Mark wanted to date Yeri and ditch him it was just the natural order of the world.

I hope they get along, Mark refuses to teach the kids at church and it’s such a waste not to help others when he’s so good himself.

I’m not good with kids, dad, that’s Hyuckie's thing.

Mark’s mum smiled that pretty smile she had and her eyes sparkled like her son’s.

Hyuck does have that kindergarten teacher feel about him.

*

He wasn’t sure yet, but weeks turned into months since he’d last been to his parent's house, and he got some gigs as a weekend nanny around Mark’s neighbourhood, because they thought he was a nice kid and his prices were low, so he finally headed back to get whatever was left at his parent’s house and move permanently to Johnny and Ten’s. Fate was really twisted, really, because Pa was there, looking worse than ever, and so was Ma with her sunken cheeks and empty eyes.

Ya fuckin' useless shit, ya neva come 'ome and take care o' ya Ma d'ya wanna me losin' my job?

He ignored Pa’s angry rant and Ma's mumbling and went straight for his old room on the back, ripped off the loose floorboard and got the stack of yellowed notebooks hidden there, bundled them with the few old shirts and some socks he found in the bottoms of the drawers and stuffed them in his backpack.

When is ya comin' back, uh? She mad as cats, she needs 'elp, alright? I ain’t gonna lose my job for 'er.

I ain’t coming back, Pa. Send her over to Jeju or something.

They don’t wanna 'er, stupid, 'cos she _mad_.

Pa’s severed arm stopped right before the elbow and he could still wave it around, agitated as always. Angry, always angry. Donghyuck got a slap on the face for his troubles and run off like the devil was behind him, only stopped when he reached the wide streets of downtown, the neon lights and greasy and delicious smells of the street foods and the rumble of the people walking around, going to work.

He wandered, not ready to face Johnny and Ten yet, no other place to go. His cheek smarted from the slap and his reflection on a car window told him he had a cut on the cheekbone, probably from Pa’s wedding ring. The streets got emptier and he found himself going farther east, into the suburbs he’d never been to. Jaehyun lived somewhere around there, but the streets were unfamiliar and it felt nice. He found a church tucked in a corner, different from the big and fancy one he went with Mark. It was empty, too, and he sat on a corner with nothing in mind.

This one, too, smelled like melted wax and wood varnish but had a quieter feel about it. He opened his backpack and took out the notebooks, yellowed and dirty after being handled for so many years. He’d been keeping them since he was seven, first for drawing, then for taking notes, then as diaries. He flipped through the pages, barely noticing the colourful portraits of his street and his second-grade teacher, looking for the first diary entries.

_We at the beach and I sawed a huge fish but we haved just rice for diner._

He laughed a bit at his own spelling mistakes, read over his childish angsts and fantastic imaginary stories. He’d been a very creative kid, but only Ma believed him back then.

_The nice lady from church taked me to park today, she have a son but he older then me, he is very shy. Teacher Hiejin sayd many kids are shy but they nice on the inside, **MARK** is nice too._

The church was full of the sunlight coming through the high windows. He stared at his child version's crooked handwriting, at the extra bold and underlined letters forming Mark’s name. Did he somehow feel, back then, what would become of them? They had so many good things together, memories and jokes and touches and feelings, but as of late, it was like they were forgetting all of them.

It’s not gonna be like this forever, he remembered Ten saying. It wasn’t gonna be bad forever but wasn’t gonna be good, either. He found a drawing of him and Ma at the beach. Forever wasn’t even real.

But still, his past self had known all along that Mark was what mattered, the flower in the middle of all the dry leaves left for him. The church was still empty, and his footsteps echoed when he walked down the main aisle to the chapel on the side.

He remembered Mark teaching him the Lord’s Prayer ages ago, explaining the meaning of the complicated words Donghyuck had never seen before, and Mark’s boyish voice and Mark’s highlighted name on the page guided him through:

My father - _our_ father, who is in Heaven, holy be his name. That Your blessings come, and Your will is done in our lives like it is in Heaven.

He didn’t know what he was praying for, but even if forever didn’t exist, he still wanted to have some future.

Help us feed every day and forgive us and teach us to forgive, stop us from hurting each other. And protect him. Protect us. Please.

*

He was invited to Mark’s birthday and of course he was, Mark’s parents were really fond of him, but why was he invited if he and Mark still weren’t talking? It was a wholesome gig for a 19’s party, no alcohol, no loud electronic music, and hell, Donghyuck's 18s had been wilder. Jaemin and Renjun weren’t there, Jeno was, but he thought it would be very awkward to sit with Jeno at Mark’s party.

Yeri showed up without her scary sister, and Donghyuck approached her carefully.

How are the guitar classes?

Cancelled, Mark can play but can’t explain anything to save his life.

I know.

Didn’t expect to see you here.

Why?

The two of you are fighting, right?

Uh, yeah. Big fight.

He told me. Nothing specific! Just that he was pis- uh, angry at you and Jeno over something.

Well, it was all his own fault, anyway.

But you, I mean, _took things to another level_.

Seem like he told a _lot_ of specifics, innit?

Yeri dragged him outside and behind a lamp post, explained how Mark showed up like a miserable rag for her class, couldn’t get a single lesson right and wouldn’t stop talking about Donghyuck.

And for God’s sake who cares for guitars? We grabbed ice cream and went to the park and he basically spilled his guts, and he likes you _so much_ I didn’t even know people felt things like this.

You not, like, weirded out, or something?

No, I mean, I never pegged _him_ for _that_ , but you’re quite obviously... not straight. Talk to him, alright? He’ll apologize and make things right if you just say hi or happy birthday or something.

A lot of people were going home already, and he left Yeri on the living room sitting on the floor with her dress spilled all around her and face glued to her phone, found Mark in the kitchen eating cold finger food and looking dejected. He said happy birthday and didn’t know what to think of Mark’s surprise, it wasn’t like they hadn’t seen each other over the night.

I was gonna leave it in the box by the door, but Yeri said it’s better to give you personally.

His gift wasn’t much, he barely had any money at all, and he wasn’t Mark’s best friend but knew him well enough to know his favourite plec brand and buy one, put it in a tiny cute box Ten found and stick a note on the bottom.

_Love, Hyuck._

You didn’t have to give me anything.

I know you don’t care, but I had to, alright?

It’s not... I _care_ , I always do, all the birthday and Christmas cards you ever gave me since we were nine are in a box in my closet, okay?

No point building a damn shrine for my cards if you gonna go and treat me like shit and use my friends against me.

First of all, I’m sorry, okay? And don’t be a hypocrite, you did it first.

I did? Care to tell me when?

Remember March? Renjun’s birthday? You always use Jeno against me, and I get it, okay? I know Renjun and Jaemin do it all the time, but it doesn’t mean it’s rig-

Shut up, you have no right to talk 'bout my friends li-

They’re _my_ friends too, Donghyuck!

Well, I don’t see them at _your_ birthday party!

Shut up, _shut up_! Everyone knows who, what Renjun is, my parents know!

He’s literally the same thing you are, and I’m the hypocrite?

It’s not the... being... bi... thing, it’s the sleeping around.

That didn’t stop you from tongue-fucking him to hell and back, uh?

Stop cursing!

Stop stomping on me!

They’d probably raised their voices because Mark’s parents showed up with concerned frowns in their faces and Mark’s face went ghost-white. Donghyuck, as usual, saved face real quick and said he was going home, said goodbye to Yeri and thanked Mark’s parents for the party. Surprisingly, Mark followed him to the door.

Jaemin told me you left your parent’s house for good.

Yeah. Johnny and Ten lent me their backroom.

How was it? Moving out?

Pa slapped me when I left. He’ll probably send Ma to the mental hospital, now. They’re totally fucked.

Something in Mark changed, and just like that he gave up the fight. He came closer and stroked Donghyuck's cheeks like he was trying to heal the memory of the slap as well.

You don’t deserve this.

Nobody does, Mark.

Yeah, but you of all people should get a loving home and big dinners and quirky graduation pictures. You deserve much more than this shitty gig we got going on.

And you deserve a band or music school and going back to Canada and lots of cool friends, hyung. No point stressing about it.

But I don’t have it bad. Those are nice things I’d love to have, but I don’t have it bad in here.

Neither do I, 'kay? I’ve got Johnny and Ten and Injunnie, I made my choice now, they’re my family.

And you’ve got me.

Do I?

The question was a genuine question, not a challenge, and for once Mark didn’t misunderstand him.

You do, as you always did. You got me and mum and dad, too. We love you, okay? Even when the two of us are fighting, we, I mean...

I get it, hyung.

No, you don’t. I love you. As in _love_ love, the type to make me write a thousand songs and want to give you flowers and a teddy bear and hold your hand and buy a ring to propose to you when I finish college. Love like my dad loves my mum, but love is such an adult thing, isn’t it? It’s too much for us, I suppose, so I always feel like I’m bursting at the seams and about to blow up on your face 'cause most of the things I want are out of reach.

Making me hate you won’t make your feelings go away.

I know.

Do you really?

Don’t be passive aggressive now, it’s my birthday and I just confessed my undying love for you, Hyuck.

Donghyuck couldn’t hold back his laugh. He, too, bursting at the seams.

If it’s any consolation, I love you too, so much I’ll probably die from it, and you shoulda sing me the songs and give me the flowers, I like pink roses, and hold my hand, and if you ever proposed, I’d say yes right away, and _please_ stop playing with my destructive streak. Even with everything we want out of reach, we should be friends, not hurt each other.

Mark bent down and kissed him on the front door of his house.

*

Jaemin thought Mark’s confession was the best thing since fridges and the DVD player and that they should elope and live by the sea like artsy movie's main characters. Donghyuck was less romantic. It was good to be assured of his feelings and all, but nothing much would change in their real lives now or in the future, Jaemin was only being romantic because he wanted to believe his own future with Jeno.

Boys like them, they have expectations to fulfil, even the small ones like having a clean job and kids, and they’ll never get those being with people like us, he said on a suffocating Thursday afternoon.

But Mark ain’t cruel, he’d never say those things if he didn’t thought you two have some future.

Mark is stupid as hell, that’s what he is. You don’t see Jeno saying stuff like this, and that’s 'cos he’s always been the clever one. We all, like, see Johnny and Ten as our model couple, 'cos they’re in love and happy, but Johnny’s never had anything on him, his halmoni didn’t have a penny and I ain’t even sure she knew he was queer at all, so he couldn’t be disinherited or whatever happens to people like Mark and Jeno if they turn out to be queers, and Ten’s an immigrant, o'course he doesn’t care about people bad mouthing him, they’re not _his_ people. 'sides, Mark leaves for college on winter, I’m just enjoying it while I can. It hurts? Of course. But I’ve got no privilege of expectations.

*

Christmas Mass was the prettiest one, and that year he could enjoy it for real without being afraid of freezing to death on the church bench, because one of Ten’s old coats, blue and long, fit him since they were both short and thin. He was warm and looking nice for once. Mark sat beside him and held his hand through the reading, so he didn’t hear a single word of what the priest said, only the roar in his ears as his fingers burned.

When it was time for Communion they stood up, but instead of going for the line Mark pulled him aside and out of the building, until they were under the naked trees covered in fairy lights on the back of the church, and kissed him.

They kissed and kissed, Donghyuck's back pressed against the icy stone wall, and he was so thankful for Ten’s coat, Mark’s hands were gloved but his weren’t so he started freezing anyway, and Mark took off his gloves, gave them to him, stuffed his now naked hands in Donghyuck's back pockets.

I don’t wanna leave you behind.

I know, hyung.

I’ll figure something out, you’ll see.

Mark’s smile was strained but clear as the snow around them.

*

Bizarrely, he was invited to Mark’s graduation ceremony, and Mark kept touching him, pushing his hair back, straightening his dress shirt, brushing invisible lint off his trousers, like he was nervous but fidgeting with Donghyuck’s clothes instead of his own. He wasn’t sure if anyone noticed.

Johnny’s birthday was a blast, and Mark got spectacularly drunk like he’d never before. By midnight he couldn’t say his full Korean name, much less walk on a straight line, so Donghyuck took his phone and texted his mum pretending to be him, saying he’d sleep over.

Mark dragged him along through all his packing, made him stay the night before he left, kissed him goodnight and good morning and clung to him over breakfast. Seeing Mark leave for college, a place Donghyuck would probably never even see, holding Mark’s mum's hand, Donghyuck was his dormant tongue and his broken heart, and nothing would ever come of them.

*

College was on a town close enough for Mark to come back once a month, and on his first visit he showed up on their, Johnny Ten and Donghyuck's that is, doorstep with crumpled clothes and his backpack, fresh off the train. Donghyuck was getting ready to babysit two kids on the street behind Mark’s and thought they could walk together, but Mark stopped him halfway.

You know I love you, right?

Mark, seriously, I’m gonna be late.

But you know, right?

Yeah, I do.

Even if you never see me again, know I really love you, okay? I’m not playing.

If you say so, hyung. Stop being dramatic, we been over it a hundred times, we love each other to death and all.

Mark didn’t show up again for the rest of the weekend but texted asking him to wait on the platform. Mark’s parents looked strained, and Mark’s mum didn’t hug Donghyuck like she always did, but maybe he was just becoming too old for that.

Mark pulled him aside and faced him, and he had shadows under his eyes but was smiling a bit.

I told them.

Told them what?

That I’m in love with you.

When Pa was nineteen, he’d lost his footing while standing on the platform. He  fell on the tracks and the locomotive smashed his arm and they had to cut it off, and Pa used to say, when he talked about it, that he thought he was flying on the millisecond between falling off the platform and hitting the tracks.

Donghyuck was flying and couldn’t wait to hit the tracks.

What did they say?

Mum cried an awful lot but said she’d figured. Dad’s just... glum.

Mark always spoke like the pristine kid from public school he was, but sometimes, when he was nervous, he’d speak like Donghyuck and the other kids from beyond the tracks. It was like a bit of Donghyuck’s people had stuck to him, too. Oddly comforting.

They hate me now, don’t they?

Don’t think so, Hyuck. Mum said... listen, don’t take this the wrong way, 'kay? She’s just worried. She said it was... like... a pity, but that’s not the word she used, can’t remember what it was, that you can never have it easy.

He supposed it was true, and wouldn’t put past Mark’s mum to focus on that instead of the sheer horror of having a queer child.

*

Renjun’s birthday was an empty day because Renjun disappeared with Sicheng to one of their weird and semi-illegal haunts, but Mark called.

Mark’s mum showed up the next weekend, and Donghyuck’d never seen her on that side of the tracks, and she didn’t look too out of place, actually, on her jeans and cardigan, just another mum. She took him to a cafe and asked about school and his health and all sorts of normal things and didn’t say Mark’s name even once. He supposed it was her way of still caring about him, and it was nice. She was already too good to him.

All of Mark’s old school books were given to him, and Mark’s dad helped him take them upstairs, and Ten was home, looking as flamboyant as ever, but no one burst a vessel.

By the time Parent’s Day rolled up he’d decided to give Johnny and Ten a gift for homing him all those years, and they were delighted. There was no Mark across the road and no bile up his throat.

*

The mayor’s son, the one that had dated Renjun, went to the same college as Mark, and showed up on the summer with a boy one year older than them and sent the town on a frenzy of shock because they kissed in the grocery store and in the park and at the movies.

Mark held Donghyuck’s hand when they went out to meet Yeri.

*

He ran off on his birthday, left his phone and his wallet on his bed and ran non-stop beside the train tracks until there were no houses around and the ground was overgrown with dry weeds, until he couldn’t breathe and the weight on his chest was hidden behind a sharp ache on his ribs.

He laid on the tracks and thought of the sea until he could smell it, hear the waves and feel the wind. He wanted nothing more than be carried away and washed up somewhere new, raw with salt and sun.

Johnny found him when the night was beginning to fall, the sky coloured blue and pink and green and purple and orange and bright yellow on the western line. He picked Donghyuck up and hugged him, combed his hair clean of dirt and dry leaves, scrubbed his face with the flannel he always wore over his t-shirt.

They didn’t say anything. Johnny took him home and gave him dinner, tucked him into bed like he was a kid and not a 19-year-old. He was his silent tongue and his fearful heart, and everything felt like a weird dream.

Ten didn’t say anything, either, just hugged him real tight, gave him a whole carton of ice cream, shooed Mark away when _he_ showed up. Donghyuck could hear his voice by the door but only burrowed deeper into his small bed. Mark’s mum came, and Johnny came upstairs to talk to her, but Donghyuck put a pillow over his ears and fell asleep suffocating in the darkness behind his eyelids.

When he woke up, Mark was sitting at the foot of the bed and slid closer when he opened his eyes. He looked lost, like he used to when they were kids and Donghyuck spoke about something Mark knew nothing about, like drunken teachers or crazy mothers.

Mum thought you could be ill, we came to check, Mark said with that crooked frown he had.

I ain’t sick.

What’s wrong?

I’m just sad, it’s alright, it’s gonna pass tomorrow or whatever.

What are you sad about?

Nothing in particular.

As if. Come on, tell me.

Fine, you wanna know? I hate this town, I wanna get the fuck out of here but how am I supposed to? Uh? I’m afraid as fuck, of a hundred different things, and why haven’t you left me alone yet? What are you waiting for?

What do you mean?

Why d'you keep coming back for me?

Because it’s the right thing? Because I love you?

I’ve got fuck nothing for you, seriously.

Well, I’m not expecting anything.

No one expects nothing, what do you want?

I want you to want me? Like I always did, since we were kids and you hated me, but I kept telling mum I didn’t want this toy or that shirt no more, I mean, anymore, and to call you and give it to you, because how else were you gonna like me?

But I always liked you.

And I always wanted you to, and you apparently do, so it’s enough.

It won’t always be.

I know.

And I won’t have anything to give you in the future, either.

Who cares, Hyuck? If I wanted to be given things, I’d have a sugar daddy, not a boyfriend. You’re the one always telling me to stop being a bitch and take risks.

That’s not a risk, it’s stupidity.

And that’s what I always said, but you insisted. I’ve learnt my lesson. Making me fear the future won’t change my feelings, I’m always afraid anyway.

*

Summer ended abruptly, and Mark was cooking up a plan, something crazy and senseless he couldn’t agree with, but not even he could fight Mark’s hard-headed stubbornness.

Fall was a miserable season by the trains, everything too wet and rotten, the fog crawling up and down the roads. His coat got so wet he had to go to school without it for a whole week and got sick, like that time Mark first kissed him on an alley and his shoes and socks got sodding wet.

One day the mud on the streets had turned to ice and he knew it was all coming to an end, and his school, as awful and poor as it was, sent off the invitations for the graduation ceremony. His got returned because they were sent to his parents, but the flat was empty, so he gave them to Johnny, Ten, Mark and Mark’s parents.

He couldn’t remember the ceremony, really, just the discomfort, because the heater didn’t work on the auditorium so his teeth were clattering and his uniform felt like wet ice patches on his skin.

*

The Easter masses were really beautiful, and he still could get some chocolate if he begged the right people, not the people who turned their noses up at him for being poor and gay. He did one of the readings, once, and Mark’s mum helped him prepare for it.

The sky was coloured grey and lilac and a sweet pink on the eastern line when Mark showed up on a rented car, clothes crumpled and hair a mess, every bit the perfect boy he’d always been but as rumpled as he’d only ever be for Donghyuck.

He ran down the stairs, leaving Johnny and Ten asleep in their bed, backpack slung over one shoulder, still wearing his sleeping shirt because it was warm and the morning was windy.

Just a sec, I’ve to get a box upstairs.

Mark nodded and popped open a chewing gum packet.

When the box, stuffed full with his notebooks and drawings Ten had given him, was safely stacked on the floor of the backseat, he finally settled on the passenger seat.

Good morning, gorgeous.

Shut up, hyung.

The trains and the town were barely visible when Mark stopped the car and let Donghyuck straddle his lap and kiss him until they were out of breath.

I don’t know how we’re gonna pull this off.

The sky was one big expanse of bright blue, light bouncing off the asphalt, and Mark took his hand and kissed it, like a knight in shining armour.

But at least we’ll be together.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Written with I Wanna Be Yours (Arctic Monkeys) and Silenced By The Night (Keane). Series name and overall imagery from God Save Our Young Blood (BORNS & Lana del Rey). Twisted prayers and crushing poverty from the Not Easily Conquered series (dropdeaddream and WhatAreFears) on AO3.


End file.
